2007-04-23
J : can't even remember how it kicked off on Saturday. Yesterday afternoon it was because I suggested a different route for a walk (field first then shop rather than shop first).K: Nothing I can suggest? So sorry you go through this
J: I know. I'm not looking for an answer. Nor hinting at an escape!
K: Anger management was always a problem, even before there was a reason?
J : yes, it was. It’s just impossible to discuss anything with him sometimes no matter how insignificant. Yet sometimes he's very thoughtful, caring and fun to be around...but maybe only like this when he's getting to be in charge dictating the running of things and I'm just complying. But when he's angry I just want to leave, just want it to end, want to stop having to bite my tongue and not have an opinion just to keep the peace. I was wondering at the weekend how much of the time is the nice stuff just because I agree and go along with things even when I don't want to because I just don't have the energy for the argument. It's as though he's finally got the information that gives him the control he's always wanted and whereas in the past I would always argue back and risk it getting physical, now I just have to give in because he has bigger, potentially far more destructive tools than his fists...and now there's more than me at risk.
K : And after all this time do you have any insight into why it is like this? - doesn't seem like it's really anything to do with you
J: I don't know. It's easy to say it's a control thing but I think perhaps it is me. I think it's a fundamental thing that in his world, his upbringing, women are controllable and don't really exist beyond the four walls of the home. I used to be novel, I used to be an exciting alternative to everything he knew. Now it's worn off, he'd like someone who's first reaction was to comply, was to think of him as their master and better, one who's life existed to serve him, give him a tidy house and look after the children. The part of him who would be bored by someone like that would probably be happy to find the entertainment factor elsewhere in his life. I'm too much trouble, I don't have the "right" priorities, I'm too opinionated and have too much else going on with me. It is me. But I've toned it down as much as I can. At home sometimes I don't feel like me at all. I'm not expecting a solution or that anything can be said to make it better.
K: I know. But your friend ought to be able to offer something and I don't know what I can. Hurts that you're treated that way, that you probably would be even if I hadn't been an issue. But worse because I am. If only for the sake of the boys it ought to be addressed. They shouldn't grow up seeing you hurt
J : No, we probably shouldn't have got married. We probably would have figured that out if there hadn't been pressure not to live together. We probably should have just called it a day all those times in our twenties that it was going wrong and we couldn't agree and lived separate lives. But again it was less scary to continue than it was to make the break knowing what a drama it would cause. we probably shouldn't have had children given that at the time we were leading essentially separate lives, barely got on, D enjoyed being away on business because it made him feel like he was single oh and I was totally in love with someone else. But we did. Not once but twice. when I think about it I have no idea why we are still together or how we managed to get here and I wonder whether I'm just going to look back over my entire live and think "should have ended it there" and whether each time I took the short term easy way out rather than the way that would have allowed me to live being me and not some pathetic toned down version that doesn't quite anyone happy
K: This sounds more bleak than you've been for a long time. I thought it had become more bearable.
J: I t is more bearable but because I play the game. it's easy to distract yourself from the reality of it by moving house, continent, keeping busy with work and with the children but the reality of the one to one relationship that it's all based on is pretty bleak. yes we can enjoy the familiar company of going out once in a while or lying around in the living room exhausted watching TV we know we both like. Yes we get through the day to day routine with unspoken understanding of our requirements. Disagree over the route of a walk and you realise that it's all a thin veneer over a lot of stuff that's not very right and two people who, if they met today wouldn't make it to a second date.
K: So you make the children your world for now?
J:A s much as it's possible in that atmosphere. Alex already tells me girls can't be the boss. Me not being able to play an equal partner is already affecting him. Can I put up with that? I don't know actually.
K: They pick up on these gender notions from everywhere, not just home though, don't they? As long as you don't think he's learning to disregard your opinion then it ought to be manageable
J: Oh - but he’s already doing that.