2007-04-10
13.30 hey youdid you deserve that? probably not. it's just hard being excluded.
You seemed really happy about going to the pub, THAT pub, the one that caused additonal grief for me. Just seemed a little insensitive. You knew I wouldn't be able to go, particularly there. You might have guessed that I was hoping for a hug and a wee 5 minutes before you headed off for a week but it was like "hey hoy off I go".
Trying to keep in good spirits about the party but you must know it's hard to sit knowing that I'm going to miss out on all the fun. And I'd loved to have met all the people there that you talk about. Even if to them I'm just some unimportant girl who works with you, at least I'd have met them. But you know, maybe better that I'm not there, it would just be hard on me to realise how insignificant I am when taken out of the context of being here.
16.47 That previous message possibly sounded that I was a bit more miserable/pissed off/upset than I am.
I'm ok. I know although i may (rightly) seem insignificant to most of the people in your life that I'm not insignificant to you and I know that it's only you that matters and that I have to be insignificant and that that is the best mode in order that we can continue to enjoy what we have.
it's just that I know that I would find it hard to observe that in action. Maybe I'm happiest staying in our little bubble where I'm important and blanking out all the rest of the stuff in your life where I can't be.
still, I think I could have put up with excusing myself if it got too hard just for a wee dance and I chance to be a fly on the wall for a little while.
nevermind eh. I really don't want to be on a downer and marr it for you. Just don't want to do that at all. Want to enjoy helping and listening to what's going on. Maybe you can share the photos with me when anc we can have our own wee party...just exclude any where you're hugging people or slow dancing! lu xx
18.10 What I remember about your party was that feeling of it almost being mine as well, something we were secretly sharing in when to the others around, I hoped, it was apparent. Sharing the fun of dancing, sharing the annoyance at people turning up late and being snooty and indulgent. Ad also getting to meet Olive and thinking it funny that she seemed pleased to be greeted by me. And in retrospect maybe I overplayed that (lmost) joint host part.. So yes.. I know what you mean, I know what you're feeling you're missing.
But the other side is you know I don't really want to do this. I'm doing it because it's expected (and I know that shouldn't make me do it!) - but partly because Kenny is a good friend and I think deep down he probably did want to do it with me however much we've procrastinated. But my main reluctance has been because I wanted you there and I knew that couldn't happen. In fact I only finally agreed when it looked like you could, even started to get enthusiastic, and then collapsed when this turned into the only date.
And now I'm back to procrastination and can't be bothered and partly wanting you to be involved and decide who gets to come and partly not wanting to be insulting in doing that because it would seem insensitive knowing you won't be there.
But you will be. Can't party without you being with me.
And that's also why I'm not getting on and doing anything about going away for the actual birthday...
lu2
xx