2007-03-13
Another couple of weeks, another couple of old friends locked up. Things are moving on here, mostly positive although it’s maybe been achieved by people moving on.First – Lisa left. When Jo returned from California it was Lisa who head been mostly doing her work for the year before. And Jo could see, as I could, that she’d been doing an excellent job at it which, although she didn’t say as much I think Jo perceived as a threat. We had endless discussions about her position having been usurped, undermined, taken from her, which I just couldn’t accept. She came back, work-wise to exactly the same as she left. And Lisa was never really that ambitious, work was a means to an end for her – her life outside was much more important – but she was a head-down get on with it kind of person. At one point Jo said she’d had doubts about whether there was something ‘going on’ when she’d returned, something more than just getting on with the work. Anyway..Lisa’s need for money to finance the other things she wants to do made her go for another similar job where the company has to pay better to get people to join because everyone suspects they’re about to go bust.
And then after about four years of threatening Lesley finally applied for and got another job in the company, finally resolving the issue between her and Charles. Even at the last moment she was allowing that to be a potential obstacle – can you believe anyone seriously contemplating turning up for a job interview with the intention of telling them that if this position meant she ever had to come near one person she wouldn’t be taking it? Especially when the job would give her the opportunity of getting away from that individual? That’s how barking she can be – fortunately she was persuaded that it wouldn’t be a good strategy.
So two people down gave us the opportunity to restructure and the two new people will be answerable to Jo. And she’s happy with that.
But the (fight?) (discussion?) last week – and these seem to come round still every few weeks – was over my free time. She’d made some comment about how my time is less filled by the demands of children now that they’re growing older and leaving the nest. Doesn’t it occur to me that if it had been like this back then, we could have had more time together and not have to always watch the clock so much? Which led us into how she was the one always having to fit into ‘my schedule’…and then to a thinly disguised criticism of the things I do now that fill my time instead.. Which, of course, I refute. However much we did, still had to fit into her schedule, still had to be as unnoticeable by Dave as possible. And I think now I’m doing some things I wish I’d had the time for before. Which of course leads to – would I have done them in preference to being with her? And on to – was it really the right decision to not abandon everything in my life and be with her exclusively, looking at what I have now and what I could have had? Which, for me, comes back to look at what she has now – her own time absorbing, but joy-of-her-life, boys – which she would never have had if we had pitched in together.
But there was another trigger to the tension last week. Our ultimate boss, one of the Directors of the company has just embarked upon his second divorce – the theory is that he’s so committed to work, involving a lot of travel, that he’s not home enough. There are small children, it’s a shame. But now it transpires that he has also started a relationship with a loud Dutch girl – she was in a public relations type job that put them together a lot. So now she’s been moved. Next to us. And into a job I don’t think she wants to do, and where her colleagues clearly think she’s only there because of who she’s seeing. And who she’s seeing has a lot of influence over them personally so they feel they have to tread carefully. At the moment it’s all being handled “with discretion” but there’s a kind of intimacy between them that is obvious, and I now accept must always have been obvious between Jo and me. I feel sorry for this girl – it must be very difficult for her, and frankly I can’t see it lasting as a relationship. Which is sad for all concerned, but especially for her as I’m pretty sure she’s the one who’ll get hurt and receive the least sympathy. Jo’s line on it wasn’t dissimilar, but she did point out that if they can do this then maybe the ‘flak’ wouldn’t have been as bad as we supposed.
Anyway. We calmed down. We’re back to being good friends now. Maybe the PMT wore off – maybe that’s a harsh judgement as to how we got into all that again.
But it got me into thinking something which when I was so involved with her I just didn’t see. I knew instinctively I had to remain there for my children (and – it hurts me to put this in parenthesis – my wife). I did think about how difficult in practical terms it was going to be with her having her one boy and having to share him with Dave. I did think about the effect that a split parentage like that might have on a child in his formative years and how unfair it was to inflict that on him for the sake of our own pleasure. But I never thought about the obvious – the thing that’s there throughout children’s literature. Jo would have been stepmother to my (already formed) children. She would have had opinions about my relationship with them, and if the work experience with Lisa is anything to go by, she would have had jealousies and intolerances which I would have had to deal with, mediate, compromise in ways that would have torn my loyalties.
And strangely, that aspect never did occur to me. I suppose when you love someone that much you can be blind to the fact that they may not love everything, everyone that you do in the same way. Why should they? Because they want to be what you want them to be? Somehow that doesn’t seem reason enough. The lesson from adultery is that you can’t make choices about who you love –and that probably means you can’t choose to love someone that your lover does, in the same way. Which means all those stepmothers in literature had a difficult situation to deal with - they weren't just pure evil. It can't be easy, being put in that position of sharing
Jings! How long did it take me to realise – once you’re into adultery someone WILL get hurt?