2006-12-03
We make mistakes don’t we? We have lapses of judgement, we do things we knew we should avoid. We surrender to temptation.For some weeks we’ve been planning a trip away - a conference for colleagues who do the same sort of work around the world, held at a hotel in London and needing an overnight stay. Both Jo and I were speaking. I really wouldn’t have been surprised if at the last moment Dave had refused to let her go and she’d had to claim a recurrence of her illness, but no…there we were.
We had tentative conversations around times before when we’ve been away together on business, episodes where she’d arranged for connecting hotel rooms. A time when she somehow managed to lock herself in my room and out of hers, a very compromising situation while colleagues waited for us to share a taxi. Another time when she hadn’t told me she’d phoned in advance and an indiscreet receptionist discussed the point in front of a colleague while she scurried for safety in a toilet. Neither of us said it but both of us knew this time we weren’t going to do anything like that, couldn’t, shouldn’t.
I had other business in London so arrived at the hotel after her, she was travelling with another of the team. I arrived at the hotel with other people and agreed to go for a drink with them before dinner. I checked in, got to my room, showered, changed and then really only because I knew she’d be expecting it I called Jo’s mobile to tell her my plans. We were on different floors but it turned out Lisa was next door to me. Jo joked that if I hadn’t been the last to arrive she might have thought I’d fixed that to make her jealous.
I knew she wouldn’t come to a smoky pub with me, maybe that’s why I agreed to go with the others? We chatted on the phone, she let it slip that she was naked, just out of the bath. We were happy, relaxed, remembering. I admitted she’d made me stiff that my fingers were toying with the stickiness oozing from my cock.
We were on separate tables at dinner, hosting our foreign colleagues. She didn’t come to the bar after; I thought that was that. After maybe another hour and a little more (a lot more?) beer and wine than I intended I went off to bed. My phone rang.
We chatted a long time more, just lying back on our respective beds, saying things. Too much. She said she’d brought herself to orgasm twice after our call earlier. She said she understood more now why I couldn’t leave Lynne, how she knew now the relationship she had with Dave when we started was so different to what I had at home. She didn’t understand though how I could have got into ’us’ when that was the case. I told her sometime when I’m gone she’ll know how much I cared about her by reading it all. And before I knew it I’d confessed to the existence of this blog. She didn’t ask much - just whether we’re identifiable. And then we masturbated together and for the first time in a couple of years I heard that gasp as she came.
Next morning I felt uneasy. Scared she is going to want to read now. And she called again, suggesting she came down to my room ‘to join you and Lisa for breakfast’. I worried how that would look, seen knocking at my door or, as she was bound to come to me first, how it would look to Lisa for her to be leaving my room.. ‘I just wanted a hug. Don’t want to seem needy…’ I relented.
Uneasy, wary, reluctant but I couldn’t refuse her. She arrived, came into my room. The door closed. We hugged, we kissed. We pushed against each other, my hands into her waistband. She pulled back, we couldn’t… We sat on the bed and continued the kiss and then she was lying back and her top was lifted and she was pushing her bra aside exposing a nipple for me to kiss, flick, bite. And my fingers went down to explore her , slipping between the lips, taking enough to taste. I peeled her trousers back just enough to kiss the top of her hair.
But we were supposed to be resisting so I lay over her and made a few thrusts through our clothes and her feet started to lift to grip me to her. We didn’t take anything off, we didn’t go any further. We stood up, the whole episode lasting less than a minute. And then as I stood wondering how we were now going to get out past Lisa’s room undetected, Jo unzipped me, took me out, slipped my cock into her mouth and moved up and down on me a few times, and then put me away.
We just about got away with arriving at breakfast together. I think. I hope.
Later she wanted a reassurance, I did too. Except somehow it felt like she wanted to be assured I’d enjoyed it all as much as before: ‘I should have finished what I started…’ whereas I think I was seeking assurance that it hadn’t been too dangerous for us, that whatever resolve I have isn’t ever going to be enough. I feel stupid. I feel like whether we do these things or not, I’m destined to always hurt her. And that isn’t how it should be.
So now she knows about this. I won’t tell her (I say now!) how to find it, but I’ll monitor visitors more closely. If the diary is locked, or disappears, you’ll know what happened.