2006-09-28
Back in the old diary I wrote out some ‘rules of adultery’. Even then I prefaced the idea with the supposition that both parties are embarking on the affair with the same aims – or rather lack of intention to make this a replacement relationship. I was putting forward the idea that if this is intended to be ‘adultery’ it has to remain only that – a parallel to the existing marriage. I genuinely believed it could be just that and only that. After all when you’re driving a car you never really imagine what will happen after you crash.Under those ‘rules’ I was giving what might in Corporate Speak these days be termed ‘a risk aversion programme’. Manage the process like this and you shouldn’t get caught out, and actually while I’m not at all in the business of attributing blame the actual cause of us being found out was that Jo didn’t keep to the rule about not retaining ‘evidence’ – she kept souvenirs and text messages that were completely attributable and obvious.
But the theory behind the ‘rules’ was nonsense. It pre-supposed that it’s possible to remain dispassionate, and that just isn’t the case. Adultery isn’t a parallel universe, a second set of books. It is an alternative world true, but giving it the character of ‘alternativeness’ reveals that it is really a matter of making choices and comparisons. And plans.
I kept myself from looking forward, did try to keep everything in the present, believed I was staying well away from the precipice, averting my eyes from the danger of the future, focusing only on how enjoyable the past up till now had been. And was naïve in the extreme.
My advice now (not that anyone would ask me) would be unless you’re willing to make the choice that will inevitably come at some point, and accept that whichever way you go will result in a huge amount of pain and grief [and if you are able to accept something like that you have to be on the psychotic side of devil-may-care or heartless], unless that’s acceptable to you DON’T get involved.
It’s fun, it’s gratifying, it’s sensual, it’s exciting, it’s flattering, it makes you feel wonderful, it’s exhilarating, it’s warming..it’s love.
But it’s a contract with the devil. You’ll never recover.