2006-06-01
First off- something strange happened with cut’n’paste yesterday and the tope and tail of the brain dump were missed - I edited later. But then maybe it’s not worth going back to look.Thank you for the astute assessment of what was going on with Jo and yes, I think (I’m sure) you were (are) right. I came in on Tuesday morning and the first disturbing thing I found was that she had been using my computer on Friday (hers had dies) – which potentially meant that she had seen my internet history and gained access to this…
I start every Monday with a team meeting and she seemed both cooperative and cheerful during that s I started to relax just an iota. Immediately after she asked if we could take some private time to discuss the postion…
And it seems like the holiday I took on Friday was beneficial as she’d spent that day considering what she wanted and also, I found out later (she didn’t tell me this), checking out some fears and suspicions. So we had a positive conversation about her position, we shied away from going over the argument and what we meant by certain phrases, we agreed the way forward (I steped back from an entrenched position, she stepped back from accusation) and then finally got to the crux – whether I was rejecting and replacing her.
‘As if.’
And then the emotional release got a little too much for me and I shed a few tears, and so did she, and then she said something about having been scared that I’d formed a relationship with Lisa: ‘I started to wonder whether you were being a bigamist!’.
And later we hugged and there were kisses too, and she said that the day after she got back to work she’d gone home so happy because after a year away she finally felt as though she’d restored a piece of her that was missing, and then it started to seep away when she thought I wasn’t as pleased as she was that we were back together…
So here we are, Thursday night, and already we’ve taken advantage of Dave’s first business trip away to Switzerland to have whispered late-night conversations. And it all seems right and natural, and just as if we had never been parted, or at loggerheads a week ago.
But deep down I’m scared. Scared that each time we fight it gets uglier. She said yesterday: ‘I’ve invested more in this friendship, this relationship than I’ve ever done with anyone else. I just decided I couldn’t throw away all of that so quickly, so easily.’ And yet, somehow, what she was telling me last week was the opposite. It really could all be on a knife’s edge. And much as I know she’ll always be a part of me, (and that really is always, forever), will my life from here always have an element of fear that at any moment it could all fall apart?
Such are the rewards of adultery.