2006-05-01
Most countries seem to be introducing their own nationality tests – examinations put in front of people wanting to gain citizenship to prove that they have assimilated into the way of life of their intended nation. It’s not a concept I approve of I admit – somehow there ought to be a test as to whether the person is wanting to contribute to the country they want to join, or at least a way of weeding out (wherever they originate from, home or abroad) the ones who want to damage it – not a test about joining the ‘mother-culture’. Where would England be without Australian bar staff, Indian curry houses, Italian ice-cream shops, Polish bus drivers, Roman roads, Greek sculptures, German royalty and so on?And really the ‘are you one of us’? tests in Britain go for the wrong things. The things that are burnt into the public consciousness aren’t so much the history, Shakespeare’s plays, or the location of buildings. The colour of London buses and things that have been included are more tourist-tests than a test of being British. I would go for things like the following (which I reckon are all pretty meaningless to anyone not from this country, but everyone here knows):
1. Do you like Marmite? There are only two answers ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. This is a bizarre brown yeast extract paste that we spread on toast or bread. It makes your breath stink and even the manufacturers recognise that you either love it or hate it. Absolutely no room for half measures.
2. How are Walkers crisps confusing? For half a century all crisp makers (that’s potato chips to you!) stuck to the coding that salt and vinegar flavour crisps came in a blue packet, and cheese and onion flavour came in a green packet. For some bizarre reason Walkers swapped the colours.
3. What’s the West Lothian Question? Years ago, when it was being suggested that Scotland should have its own parliament to debate Scottish issues, the member for West Lothian stood up and asked a question in Westminster. Will Scottish members of parliament still have the right to vote on matters at Westminster that only relate to England? And if so – how can that be justified? (Still unanswered thirty years later, probably because most of the government’s majority relates to those same Scottish MP’s)
4. Why was the Russian linesman important? OK a few Germans may know that one – in the 1966 World Cup (soccer) final England drew 2-2 with West Germany at the end of the match so extra time was played. England were awarded a third goal when the referee’s assistant (as they are known now) – from Azerbaijan - ruled that the ball had crossed the goal line, although it looked very doubtful that it had. Alternative question here would be ‘Complete the phrase “Some people are on the pitch…they think it’s all over”’ . England went on to score a fourth goal, but by then fans were alrerady on the pitch celebrating so that one should probably have been disallowed too.
5. When would you hear about the road between Cockbridge and Tomintoul? This is an obscure road, way up in the hills of Scotland which seems to get mentioned every year as it is without fail the first, every winter, to get closed because of heavy snowfalls.
6. Give an impersonation of Dennis Taylor’s black-ball shot. Like America, Britain has produced a sport which really only they play and then claim to have a world championship every year. In 1985 in the final of the snooker championship (it’s a game like pool but played on a table twice as big in each direction and smaller pockets), after seventeen days of play, Dennis Taylor a player not of the top rank came through to win, very late at night, on the final conceivable shot of the last possible frame and against a runaway favourit no-one much liked. After the ball sank in the pocket he (being an Irishman with what appeared to be enormous upside-down spectacles) did a funny finger-wagging jig and waggled his cue over his head. Alternative question here – show the angle of the Crafty Cockney’s little finger (Eric Bristow – a darts player, another ‘sport’ that only the British really play – used to have a crooked finger as he threw his darts) Anyone can do both of those.
7. Eddie the Eagle – what a hero! Having no mountains over 5000 feet, it is astonishing that Britain thinks it should have any chance at the winter Olympics but actually through ice dancing and curling we haven’t done too badly. Ski-jump is a bit of a challenge though! A plonker in milk-bottle glasses called Eddie Edwards once managed to get into the competition and came last by a huge distance but became a national hero (or alternatively a figure of ridicule – that’s what we’d want to ferret out.)
8. Place in context “I counted them out and I counted them back in again”, and “steaming AWAY from the exclusion zone”. During the war against Argentina over the Falkland Islands a BBC reporter announced he’d seen all the British planes go out but he wasn’t allowed to tell how many – but they all came back. Strangely it’s a phrase we all know just from that one report. Later the warship Belgrano was sunk when she was nowhere near the islands and apparently going away from them. Margaret Thatcher got in an awful tangle during the election the following year when in a voxpop appearance on TV she was questioned closely by an unknown house-wife seeking to bring out this fact to show Maggie had effectively ordered the murder of 1500 Argentinian sailors for no reason. Thatcher contradicted herself about the facts several times thereby giving credence to Neil Kinnock’s claim that she showed she had guts only by arranging for thousands of servicemen to lose theirs on the beaches of the Falklands. Alternative question: Who said ‘We are a grandmother’ – Maggie again – by the end her delusions of grandeur got so bad that she started referring to herself in the plural.
9. What did Screaming Lord Sutch do? A hard one – he would claim he was a pop singer of the early 1960’s although no-one has ever heard anything he did. He was famous for establishing the Monster Raving Loony Party as a political force in Britain. No seriously – he did (although obviously Monty Python thought it up first)
10. Who is Two-Jags? Actually John Prescott (unknown deputy Prime Minister of this country) is currently known as Two-Shags owing to the revelations about his affair. Although for a time he was in charge of environmental matters he is famous for having two large gas-guzzling cars which have been known to transport him and his wife separately a distance of only 100 yards.