2006-04-20
Apparently the man who wrote the ‘Hokey Cokey died recently. There were unfortunate scenes at the funeral parlour when they came to lay him in the coffin. First they put his left leg in…and that’s when the trouble started.And similarly, Gene Pitney’s family were advised that it would take three days to get the cherry wood coffin they’d ordered, but it was only twenty-four hours for balsa.
One day I’m going to go into a store and walk straight up to the sales assistant and ask if I can help them. And when they look blank and say ‘no’, I’ll tell them just to let them know if they need me for anything, I’ll be in Woolworths.
The Fatman was telling me last night that he’s seriously considering buying a new bike because it’s 2lb lighter than the one he’s got now. It’ll cost him about £700 but he really thinks it’s worth it. I suggested losing 2lb in weight might be cheaper, if less satisfying.
I’m having wind trouble when I cycle these days. Almost without fail there has been a 180 degree shift between 8 am and 6 pm, and surprisingly it’s never in my favour.
There’s a whole imaginary conversation in my head around Dubya considering sending in nuclear weapons to deal with Iran. I remember watching (and I can’t even remember whether it was real or a fictional reconstruction) JFK talking with his chiefs of staff about how to deal with the Cuban missile crisis, where really all he did was ask the questions ‘what should we do?’ and ‘if we do that how will they respond?’ and ‘OK if that’s their response, what would we do?’ in repetition. Quickly the militarists got themselves from a warning shot across the bows of a ship approaching Cuba to the obliteration of Turkey and “strategic” cluster nuclear bombs on Moscow. And the conclusion was, of course, that diplomacy might be a little more sensible than a shot across the bows. I mean – has Dubya had any thoughts at all about what even a single use of nuclear weaponry would mean? And does he seriously think destroying one site in Iran is going to dissuade them or anyone else from developing the capability? Or persuade them to get armed quick? It’s using an inter-continental ballistic missile to crack a nutter.
Now Jonathan Ross is a reasonably funny guy – it’s always amusing to see American guests on his chat show who clearly haven’t been warned what to expect. They come over expecting to give the usual bland plug for their latest film and find themselves drawn into a discussion about whether they shave down below, and how they feel about dogs humping their leg. But I was astonished to read he’s getting paid £56 per minute for his Radio 2 Saturday morning show – and since two thirds of it must be taken up with music it probably works out at more than £1 per word. But then I’m not old enough for Radio 2 yet, and hope I never will be.
Can I just say – perhaps for the last time: “ Shearer! Shear-er! Shea-rer!” Thanks Alan – you were the best.
The other day I came across my old school photograph. It is one of those incredibly wide pictures which is actually taken over a few minutes by the camera sweeping round a huge semi-circle of bodies. And yes someone did manage to get himself in twice by standing at one end and then running all the way round the back to the other end before the camera got there. What made me smile though was the memory of having been drinking at lunch-time before it was taken (maybe our last day there?) and one boy running out into the middle of the semi-circle and, as though it was a Roman amphitheatre, yelling ‘Bring on the lions and Christians!’
Why is it that on days when I don’t eat very much I’m not hungry, but if I have a full lunch I’m resorting to the chocolate machine by mid-afternoon?
Obviously I’m not an expert in breast enlargement but I find it hard to believe that anyone’s going to be fooled by the upturned blancmange shape some of them seem to have. Why would someone design something that looked so little like the real thing it’s trying to impersonate? And why would anyone have one (oh alright two) like that fitted – as opposed to the more realistic ones out there?
Fashion models on the cat-walk. Don’t they have a bizarre twisted way of walking? They look like they’re constantly trying to trip themselves up by crossing their feet over.
As Peter Kay said the other night: ‘If it’s not one thing..it’s your mother’.