2007-11-22
I’ve had the keys for the church a few times and Jo has expressed interest in going there too. Tempting as it is, I’ve resisted her suggestions – apart from the fact (which is the main and real obstacle) that I’m trying to hold on to the level of relationship we have now without putting the pressure on that doing more would inevitably lead to, I cannot feel comfortable about going somewhere I only have a partial right to be and doing anything even vaguely sexual. I can’t get over the ‘what if someone found out we were there?’ Truth be known the church is probably pretty safe, being locked up most of the day, and there is a very good chance that we would be undetectable in the belfry. But I’ve presented to her the possibility that anyone of the other key-holders might appear and while I might concoct some story why I was there, explaining her presence is going to be difficult. Imagine the ‘this is my…um…friend’ conversation and the embarrassed shivers down the neck follow.So this business with Tim’s house was a problem. ‘This isn’t another one of those things you tell me, get my hopes up, and then pour cold water on, is it?’ Actually I don’t think I’d meant to tell her at all that I had the key. I was quite pleased at having the chance of taking the car – especially as it has a reserved parking space in the centre of town very close to the office, and she overheard my telephone conversation with Tim when the question of the house key came up. Whether I let it slip or not doesn’t matter – she was expressing the desire to visit and I wasn’t keen.
We still snatch the occasional hug in the lift (sad or what?) but there’s never anything more. On the first day of Dave’s business trip to Russia we rode down to the ground floor together and hugged as usual. But it started with a move towards her which for a millisecond I saw she had misinterpreted as an attempt to kiss her on the lips. She turned her head aside, and thinking about that movement after, I wondered if there wasn’t an easy solution to this after all.
The next day I said to her I was going down to Tim’s house to locate where the car is parked and asked Jo if she wanted to come with me, if only just for the walk. ‘No obligation..’ We smiled about the idea.
And so we set off. It took a while to find the car as it wasn’t where I thought it was going to be, and all the time there was a growing sense of nervousness. Neither of us said anything on the subject but it felt like both of us were thinking ‘..are we really going to do this…?
I took her to the front door and we stood outside and looked up at the building. She peered in the window and then started to ask the questions: ‘Does he have a cleaner? …Do you think he might have security cameras? …Do you know how to turn off the burglar alarm?..Did he say whether anyone is staying this week?’ I don’t know the answer to any of those although I think the cameras unlikely and he never mentioned any alarm.
After all the scrapes and adventures we got into when we were wreckless (like the time she got herself (naked) locked out of her hotel bedroom through a connecting door while colleagues waited for us to appear downstairs) here we were dithering on the step of what was almost certainly the safe haven we craved all that time.
So I gave her my best understanding smile (tried not to be in any way ‘I told you so’ about it) and seemingly gave in to her panic. And we retreated.
On the way back to work she started asking about where Tim’s garage is where his other car is stored. I told her I don’t know, although it’s probably one of the lock-ups in the mews at the back of the house, and the key is probably in his house somewhere.
‘See – I haven’t completely abandoned the idea…’ She said it as a kind of reassurance that even if she couldn’t bring herself to cross the line – for fear of a myriad of what-ifs – if a safer option is available she’ll still be up for it. But I took it as a kind of reassurance that her feeling is now a bit more in line with mine. It’s a nice idea, very nice, but it isn’t going to happen.